I am so glad to be joining TGSS Family and to be a part of your sleep and parenting journeys!
I was once a first-time mum amid the first covid lockdown and sleep deprivation had fully set in. I was hospitalized with severe vertigo and vomiting that the doctor put down to “exhaustion”. I knew I had to make a change to our sleep quality… but how?
To google the words “sleep training” came with a sense of guilt I wasn’t ready to face. Then I met Tara. She read me like a book. After hearing me express my desperation and hesitation all in one she said with such confidence “You need the facts to trust the process. Let me give them to you”. How did she know!
Parenting is a wild and beautiful ride; but she was right. When I start to feel like I’m losing control of the wheel I am an information seeker. I need the facts. I need proof it will work, and I needed it yesterday I needed more than a testimony to be brave and make the changes my family so desperately sought. I needed reassurance that good sleep wouldn’t result in poor attachment with my baby.
So perhaps you’re an information seeker like me? Grab a coffee… sit down and let me share with you my journey as a Child Psychologist and Mum of 2 when it comes to sleep and attachment.
Now let me ask you did you attempt to google “Does sleep training ruin attachment” and stumble across a whole lot of nothing? Or perhaps you found information on a parenting style known as ‘Attachment Parenting’? Either way the information isn’t relevant or clear and lead me on a deep dive of the research (which is limited to this day).
Let me start with a definition of attachment. Attachment is one specific aspect of the relationship between a child and caregiver that is involved with making the child feel safe, secure and protected (Bowlby, 1982). It is where the child uses the primary caregiver as a secure base from which to explore and when necessary; as a haven of safety and source of comfort (Bowlby, 1982). Secure Attachment has been found to be critical in emotional development, but it is not as fragile as we may fear. In fact, it may surprise you to know that research suggests parents need to “get it right” whilst attempting to meet the needs of their infants approximately 30-50% of the time to develop a secure attachment (Woodhouse et al., 2019). See parents- we are doing ok!
Developmental Psychologist, Diana Divecha suggests that attempting to meet every need and want swiftly may be counterproductive to secure attachment in the long run. She reports that not only is this an exhausting pattern for caregivers, but one that may prevent babies and children from ‘learning to be’ with their emotions in a supportive environment. I have to say I agree. Boundaries held with love and kindness are just as important when it comes to developing our secure base.
When we google ‘attachment and sleep’, a parenting style known as Attachment Parenting is what we will find. Developed by William and Martha Sears, this type of parenting style suggests a set of seven practices or rules to follow that they believe will ensure secure attachment. The problem being that this is not well researched, nor is it the only rule book for developing secure attachment (Divecha, 2018). For example; one of the “7 B’s” is Breastfeeding and yet in clinic, I come across beautiful well-adjusted and secure children who have been bottle fed by loving and present parents. So yes, breastfeeding is a fantastic way to build secure attachment, but it is not the only way. The same goes for sleep practices!
On the other side of the story what has been researched is the positive impact of sleep for both baby and parents alike. Studies by Wendy et al. (2015) found behavioral sleep difficulties in infants were associated with maternal depression, psychological distress, poor general health and feelings of incompetence. A review of the studies by Hiscock and Wake (2002) also found an association with marital stress, family breakdown, behavioral problems and maternal anxiety. These studies also found significant improvements following the implementation of sleep support (a variety of methods). In short, when the basic needs of parents are met and their mental health improves, so does their confidence and connections with their babies!
Another comment I hear often is that babies and toddlers will “grow out of their sleep struggles” so parents should just “hang in their” like some kind of soldier facing a battle that will definitely end… someday… maybe! Unfortunately, I see families where this has not happened, and sleep is not only still a difficulty but is having a significant impact on all aspects of family life. Sleep is a need for all humans not a want and we need to place more emphasis on it being ok to seek what the body requires!
I circle back to finish with my own experience as a mum who has supported two very different babies to sleep well with the support of TGSS. It is true for me that good sleep reduced my anxiety, increased my ability to be present during the day with my girls and ensured I kept my own health in check. I felt ready and able to handle sickness, pain and other difficulties that came our way because I was armed with the knowledge of how to facilitate good sleep in a loving way. Both of my children are securely attached (and attached at my hip some days!).
Have I held my babies for sleep when they needed me- absolutely! Have I enjoyed a carrier nap on the go- of course! But I also love the freedom of placing my girls in their beds knowing they see this as a safe space of their own in which they can lay calmly before falling asleep (whilst I am collapsing on the couch ready to binge watch my latest show!).
With love,
Maddy x
References:
- Susan S. Woodhouse, Julie R. Scott, Allison D. Hepworth, Jude Cassidy. Secure Base Provision: A New Approach to Examining Links Between Maternal Caregiving and Infant Attachment. Child Development, 2019; DOI: 10.1111/cdev.13224
- Diana Devecha. Why Attachment parenting is not the same as secure attachment. 2018.
- Wendy A Hall et al. A Randomised Controlled trial of an intervention for infants’ behavioural sleep problems. BMC Pediatrics, 2015.
- Hiscock. H. & Wake. M. Randomised Controlled Trial of behavioural infant sleep intervention to improve infant sleep and maternal mood. BMJ, Volume 321, May 2002.
