Preferred Parent at Bedtime: How to Handle little ones Sleep Battles and Encourage Self-Settling
It’s one of the most common challenges I see in toddler and baby sleep routines: Parental preference at bedtime.
Your little one only wants one parent usually but not always the one who does most of the soothing, feeding, or contact and they resist bedtime with anyone else. The result? Power struggles, bedtime battles, tears, and a cycle that leaves one parent completely overwhelmed while the other feels rejected.
If you’re experiencing this, you are not alone. Let’s explore what’s happening beneath the surface, and how to navigate bedtime when your child prefers one parent, in a way that supports healthy sleep habits, encourages empowerment, and builds connection with both caregivers.
What is a preferred parent at bedtime?
During infancy and toddlerhood, many children develop a strong attachment to one parent, especially around sleep. This can show up as:
- Refusing to go to sleep unless one specific parent is present
- Screaming or crying when the other parent tries to settle them
- Becoming overly drowsy in the arms of one parent, then resisting being passed over
- Bedtime routines that only “work” with one parent
This often begins during times of developmental change, like separation anxiety or sleep regressions, and can unintentionally create strong sleep associations.
Why parental preference impacts toddler and baby sleep
When only one parent is ever present for bedtime, your child forms a predictable association: “I fall asleep with this person.” This becomes a powerful sleep cue, and any change to that cue feels distressing.
If the preferred parent always steps in, it reinforces the belief that sleep is only possible with that person, which creates ongoing bedtime resistance, disappointment for the other parent and can make self-settling and independent sleep even more difficult.
How to change the pattern: Set your little one up for sleep success
Here’s how to gently shift the pattern and build flexibility into your baby or toddler’s sleep routine:
✅ 1. Involve the less-preferred parent before bedtime begins
If one parent is less preferred, it’s essential they’re actively involved in the wind-down period, not just handed the reins right before lights out.
👉 Aim for at least 30–45 minutes of joint play, bath time, books, or calm interaction before the bedtime routine begins. This allows your toddler to co-regulate and settle with the less preferred parent, not just one.
✅ 2. Minimise the preferred parent’s presence before bed
Where possible and not all the time of course, have the preferred parent step out of the room or out of the house during the lead-up to bedtime, especially in the beginning stages of change.
Reducing their presence avoids the perception of “losing” the parent right before sleep, and gives the less-preferred parent the opportunity to build a secure and successful sleep rhythm with your little one
If your little one is reliant on the preferred parent to rock, feed to sleep this will be much trickier so working on self settling and reducing that strong association before bed can help if you deem it necessary.
✅ 3. Set clear, kind boundaries about who is doing bedtime
It’s completely acceptable for the less-preferred parent to take over bedtime.
Children don’t need both parents at bedtime, they need one calm, confident, emotionally available adult. If Dad (or the other caregiver) is the one doing bedtime, be clear and consistent with this boundary.
Even if your little one cries or protests, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong, it just means they’re adjusting and it’s not the preference, change is hard because it’s new not because its wrong.
Note: This boundary is ok with safe and very familiar caregivers for that child, such a Nanna, Dad etc.
✅ 4. Avoid power struggles and see it through
The less-preferred parent needs to see the bedtime through. If they give in, switch off, or hand over midway, it reinforces the idea that sleep will only happen on the child’s terms and the bedtime battles continue.
Instead, hold the space gently but firmly. Acknowledge feelings, stay consistent, and see the process through, without bailing or escalating.
However, do not do this at a time of other big moves and adjustments.
✅ 5. Stay calm, confident, and emotionally available
The less preferred caregiver taking over needs to be emotionally regulated, calm and CONFIDENT. To be able to empathise with the little one because this is a big deal for them but they need to be able to be a sturdy leader, a solid regulator. Not frustrated, over emotional or have a timid energy. Energy is a babies first language. Kind, loving, confident. Regulating throughout.
Let me know if this helps!
The Gentle Sleep Specialist
Tara x
