Upset During Sleep Training: A Gentle, Evidence-Based Reframe
Upset during sleep training is the biggest concern for most parents and it should be. No parent wants to see their baby upset or struggling. That worry is completely valid.
But here’s an important reframe.
Making changes to sleep and supporting babies to get good, restorative sleep is essential for emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing for both baby and mum.
Research consistently shows that maternal mental health is the number one determinant of a child’s overall wellbeing. And sleep plays a huge role in that.
Why Upset Can Happen When Sleep Changes Begin
Any upset that occurs during sleep training is temporary and usually limited to the initial adjustment period. And importantly it’s not because the change is wrong. It’s because the change is new.
Sleep training isn’t about removing comfort or connection. It’s about changing learned patterns and sleep associations.
Our brains are wired for familiarity. They resist change, even when what we’re doing isn’t actually serving us well. That’s why people stay in toxic jobs, unhealthy relationships, or habits they know aren’t helping them.
The same principle applies to sleep.
Think about the biggest positive changes you’ve ever made in your life leaving a toxic relationship, changing screen habits, improving nutrition. They all felt uncomfortable at first. Not because they were wrong, but because they were unfamiliar.
Sleep Associations Are Habits — Not Proof of Attachment
If sleep had to be done one specific way to prove secure attachment, then why do babies settle in such different ways?
Some babies fall asleep with:
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A feed
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A dummy
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A fitball bounce
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A car ride
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Being placed down awake
These aren’t signs of emotional necessity they’re habits formed through repetition.
Many babies never need sleep training simply because sleeping independently became their familiar from the start. They are no more or less attached than babies who need help changing sleep patterns later.
“I Never Thought My Baby Could Do This”
Almost every family we work with once believed:
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“My baby could never make sleep changes”
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“Sleep training isn’t for us”
Until they did it gently, responsively, and with support and never looked back.
When babies are given predictability, comfort, and a plan that actually works, sleep changes can be transformational and long-lasting.
This isn’t about waiting out bad sleep and hoping it resolves on its own. There is often no natural end date to frequent night waking or bedtime battles.
Just like any other pattern that isn’t serving your child’s physical, emotional, or developmental wellbeing sleep is something worth supporting, even if the change feels a little uncomfortable at first.
What Gentle, Attachment-Focused Sleep Training Actually Looks Like
Gentle sleep training should never be a battle of wills or about forcing a baby to “learn a lesson.”
It’s about:
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Changing patterns thoughtfully
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Setting your baby up to succeed
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Supporting them emotionally through the transition
To minimise crying and stress, these foundations matter most:
1. A solid, proven plan
One that aligns with your values and the level of support you feel comfortable with. Guessing or trying random approaches often increases anxiety for both parent and baby.
2. Confidence and predictability
Babies feel safest when parents lead change calmly and consistently. Predictability builds security.
3. The right support
Sleep training is never just about a method. Feeding rhythms, the lead-up to bedtime, daily structure, and emotional regulation all play a major role in reducing upset.
When these pieces are in place, sleep training becomes gentler, faster, and far less distressing.
Sleep support done well is not about less connection it’s about more capacity, more rest, and a calmer nervous system for the whole family.
And that benefits everyone. 💛
