I don’t want to play today- Handling Separation Anxiety in our little ones.
It’s a workday and it’s time to drop my daughters off at daycare. As we enter the centre my
2-year-old says, “I don’t want to play today”. Her 4-year-old sister (wise beyond her years)says “She’s going to miss you too much mum”. Like a dagger straight to my mummy heart, the chaos of our morning flashes before me and for a split second I question is it even worth it? Should I quit and keep them home with me forever? I reassure myself that she will be having a bunch of fun as soon as I walk out the door just as she does every other day! The thing is Separation Anxiety is normal. A necessary part of development that can begin as early as 5 months (typically 9 months) and peaks around 14-18 months of age. It is a developmental milestone whereby the infant recognizes that the primary caregiver has left, and this makes them feel uneasy and fearful. Overtime they will learn that they come back and that attachments with other caregivers can provide safety during times of separation from primary caregivers. It is crucial that some periods of separation continue during this phase for the development of this understanding. The presentation of Separation anxiety can vary, and some children may not show any signs. Typically, children may cry, cling or ask caregivers not to leave. They will be come distressed when the primary caregiver prepares to leave and settle relatively soon after. Others may express physical symptoms such as tummy aches and the avoidance greetings at the time of drop off. Separation anxiety may also peak outside of typical developmental times when children experience change (new sibling, moving homes, starting school) and at other times there may appear to be no obvious trigger for the period of separation anxiety they experience. Some children may then appear to have heightened emotions when returning home or express further separation anxiety at bedtime or during the night.
When separation anxiety hits it can be overwhelming, but rest assured most of the time this will pass. Here are my top tips for assisting your little ones with separation anxiety:
Spend time in new settings with your child first.
Start with short separations if possible.
Validate their worries and experiences (“it’s ok to miss me”).
Develop a clear drop off plan and keep it brief.
Do no sneak away as this may seem easier at the time but may heighten future
experiences of separation anxiety.T
ry to stay calm and confident yourself (this one is hard I know!).
Be clear about when you will be back or who will pick the child up.
Talk about what you will do together when you return/reunite.
When reunited share in your day together. Talk about their experiences and activities.
Hold consistent bedtime routines and schedules as usual. Validate worries regarding separation but reassure them they are safe and that you are there. If separation anxiety persists for over 4 weeks (particularly in children over 4) and begins to significantly impact on the child’s everyday activities, then it may be time to seek some professional support. Separation Anxiety Disorder is one of the most common Mental Health Disorders in Children in Australia and is the most common anxiety disorder. A study by the
Australian Psychological Study in 2022 reported that Separation Anxiety Disorder had risen 36% in children aged 18 months to 5 years so whilst it is not uncommon, your child is likely to need support. If you believe your child needs professional support, the first step is to book an appointment with your General Practitioner (GP). Your local GP can guide you in the right direction for services and strategies to best support you and your child.
Some of the signs that professional support may be needed include: Extended distress at drop-off with the inability to settle after the primary caregiver leaves.Being sent home from childcare or school settings due to stress and distress. Avoidance of activities the child used to enjoy or avoidance of leaving the home. Expressing fear that something harmful may happen to the primary caregiver when they are not together. Excessive physical symptoms such as vomiting prior to school drop off frequently. Separation anxiety is hard on the whole family unit, and it is difficult to see our kids so upset. When they experience separation anxiety so too do we! Rest assured that for the most part our littlies are going through yet another learning curve that will hold them in good stead for their future years. If you are worried your child may be struggling more than the ‘typical stage’ then deep breathes… there is amazing people out there ready to help you and your child get back on track!
I’ll end with my favourite quote on this topic… “How lucky I am to have something that
makes saying goodbye so hard”- A.A Milne (Winnie the Pooh).
References:
https://raisingchildren.net.au/babies/behaviour/common-concerns/separation-anxiety
https://psychology.org.au/about-us/news-and-media/media-releases/2022/children-
18-months-to-18-years-showing-serious-men
https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/children-youth/australias-
children/contents/health/children-mental-illness
